strive to be happy

This is a well read piece by Max Ehrmann, 1927. Exceptionally well written.  I am a fan.

 Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.


--- Max Ehrmann, 1927

putting cancer in its place

What are my options?


I could be a paranoid schizophrenic and live in fear of a recurrence every minute for the rest of my life.  I could go to the other extreme and deny it so completely, that I never allow the possibility of recurrence to enter my brain... and live in secret fear that if I do allow the possibilty to surface, then the cancer will come back.


I have been through days of both these extremes.


Sometimes, in some languages, there are words that just cannot be translated because you cannot capture the essence of the word in any other language.

My word, after all this vacillating between, 'I'm going to die' and 'I'm going to live forever'.... is g-a-t-v-o-l.

So, this is my resolution... It is gone. I pray that it doesn't come back.  I will live each day normally and maybe a little crazily. I will not be paranoid about every little pain, wondering if it's come back (although sometimes, I may fall off this wagon... and that's ok, as long as I hop right back on), and if it does decide to make a reappearance, I will do what I have to do and I will manage.  And I am tremendously grateful to the Almighty for guiding me to this space, where I am OK.

I will also try to be as healthy as I possibly can be, by doing my best to make good decisions regarding my food, body and environment.

I am surrounded by people who inspire me on a daily basis and I am so thankful.

four years

It was my fourth wedding anniversary yesterday. I am so fortunate to be married to an amazing guy who has been my rock through this hectic past year.


Love you Rob.

Inspired

This post is dedicated to Aunty Sieda (Fuzlin's mom) from across the vlei, who inspired me to pick up my virtual pen and continue writing - and who brings this saying to mind...

'Every now and then beautiful angels appear, cleverly disguised as human beings'

Entrance to the Grand Mosque in Medina - captured by Aunty Sieda last week.

Vanity

One of the toughest experiences was the day my hair started falling out.  I cried for 2 hours.  How does cancer become a reality only once hair starts falling?  Was the red devil chemo poured down a tube into my arm not enough of a reality check?  Apparently not!


Vanity takes a major blow. I was determined not to look like a chemo patient! I missed my eyebrows and eyelashes more than my hair.  I could cover my head with funky scarves and I eventually learnt to draw in my eyebrows so that it looked kind of real (thank you to my Mac angel). The day arrived when I gave up this silly quest of not looking like a chemo patient. I remember saying..."What the hell! I am a chemo patient! and that's ok!"


My hair, eyebrows and eyelashes have made a re-appearance since.


3 surgeries + 12 chemo sessions + 30 radiation sessions later and I am on the mend (slower than I would like though) with cancer in the rear-view mirror!

That day in May

My state of mind right now can be described as a mish mash of jumbled thoughts.  The past year has been very challenging and sometimes I am truly amazed that I survived it. This is the first time in a very long time that I am able to pour my thoughts onto my screen

Cancer has defined me for the past 8 months since that day in May, last year.

Parts of that day are crystal clear in my memory.  I had 3 painful biopsies the day before and went home with the surgeon's words ringing in my head.. "8 out of 10, it is cancer and the only reason I've watered it down from 9, is that there is only one tumour in your breast".  My mantra all the way home to my husband was...'2 out of 10, it's not cancer" but those odds were hard to ignore and my conscious denial was not very effective.

We set off for the hospital that day with words of encouragement and prayers bouncing inside my skull. Little did I know that I would be a frequent guest at that very hospital over the next few months. I had not hoped for anything in all my life as much as I hoped for it not to be the big C (why do they call it that? it somehow gives it too much power... this is the last time that I will refer to it in those terms).

Extremely anxious is an understated description of how I felt while waiting to see the doctor.  I ran to the loo and encountered the woman who cleans the toilets. She was complaining about how people don't clean up after themselves and was wondering if they were as messy in their own homes.  She told me that she prayed everyday for people to be more considerate and hygienic so that she wouldn't have to clean the toilets on that floor so many times a day. I asked her if it worked and she replied NOPE. The conversation was so comical in a grave situation. She made me laugh at a time when I needed it most.

Jenny broke the news very calmly... "I really wish that I could give you a different result, but I'm afraid, it's cancer."

I don't know how I felt.  Maybe numb is the right word.

It took 20 minutes for me to react. In a waiting room full of people while waiting for x-rays and ultrasounds to check if the cancer had spread.  I felt like I was trying to cry while being strangled ... that's the best description I can think of. The scans and checks are a total blur. All the medical staff I encountered on that day were amazing. I remember a very compassionate radiographer telling me how well her mother was doing after survivng breast cancer and that I would be ok.  Then I was sent off for blood tests and the nurse told me that she was a breast cancer survivor and amidst all the chaos in my head, a flicker of hope was ignited.

The toughest part of that day was breaking the news to my children and my parents.  I calmed myself during the drive home and rehearsed my lines.  My parents and the kids were waiting in the lounge and I walked in with a smile and the classic... ''I have good news and bad news'' line.  My dad asked for the bad news first.  And I replied "ít's cancer, but they caught it early and there is lots they can do to cure me."  I didn't believe much of what I was saying to them, but I said it convincingly and I asked them to be positive for me. And they were!

My husband was at my side that day and he figuratively has not left my side since.

I no longer want cancer to define me.  It is not who I am.  It is not truly me.